Serial Pillow Killer


This is my serial killer face. Many of stuffed animals have frozen in fear when they saw this face….just before I ripped the stuffing out of them.

I can’t help it. It is a need I have. Once there is a hole and I smell a little bleeding or see a little stuffing showing through I need to get it, get it all.

Today I attacked a pillow. it ws old anyway but my dad doesn’t understand. He asks me “why?” There is NO Why! I just need to. it is like a drug. I HAVE TO GET THE STUFFING!

KILL THE PILLOW, KILL, KILL, KILL!!!!!!!.

Maybe if I explain  my hunting instincts? Maybe if I tell him my family background? Did you know that the Romans had legions of Mastiffs who wore armour into battle? They had spikes on top of their armour and would run under the cavalry horses of the enemy to rip out their stuffing. They would attack the enemy soldiers and rip out their stuffing too. …and in their off time they would guard the forts.  I’ll bet they didn’t get scolded when they ripped out the bad guys stuffing!……….it was a bad pillow.

So we had  alittle sit down…’er lie down talk and “discussed” this matter. It was good for him to waste his time telling me his point of view. I am sure he felt better afterwards. Me? I am still going on the hunt whenever the mood strikes, no evil pillow, no stuffed animal, no object of my chewing desire will ever be safe. I have a need to feed. I have to be true to  who I am. It is like that vampire and the werewolf guy , (where wolf, wear wolf, ?) in that movie, no not Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney, the twinklelight dudes, ok, ok Twilight kids, they got to be who they are …but nice who they are’s.

Life Lesson: Don’t take no crap from stuffed animals or pillows.

Blighty! You Mean Jolly Old England, eh what?


I  am learning all about my heritage. My people, ‘er dogs, come from England aka GREAT Britain……..is there a not so great Britain? Like a just plain old regular Britain? I learned it is also called Old Blighty…and they talk funny. I wonder if the dogs bark funny over there? I wonder what a British accented bark sounds like?

The Romans used, uh, employed, my ancestors to guard their forts! That must have been a good job! Plus they probably got to eat Italian food all of the time YUM! They probably got to ride around in Ferrari chariots and in the side cars of the Roman Ducati’s, get to meet Sophia Loren’s ancestors dogs and listen to stories about “the old neighborhood”. Hey Wats amatta fo you!   …OK, now I want a canoli.

Oh, yeah, England…I’m an English mastiff, all bangers and mash eh guvnuh? Maybe my ancestors rode in Bently, Aston Martin, or Rolls Royce chariots? Maybe They had a Triumph with a side car?, and maybe they met some page six girls’ ancestors dog? Maybe they were the dogs of the manor?…I still want a canoli though.

So THATS where England is?

Life Lesson: You should know your heritage and be proud of it. Everywhere and everone has greatness to contribute to the rest of the world.

Bear Hunting and Other Mastiff Activities


I slaughtered the bear, my friend Teddy, as the aligator looked on. I couldn’t help it. It is in my genes, my DNA, my pre programed reason for being, my purpose.  It is part of my family occupation, My dad did this and his dad before him. Even going way back my great great grand dad also was into bear hunts. My moms side also. We also specialized in lion hunting, and guarding forts. My ancestors even went to war. Entire brigades of us in armour running straight at the enemy.

It is not my fault it wasn’t our fault. The Romans trained us to do this. they must of had some vocational trade schools set up and us Mastiffs probably did well on the vocational testing at these sorts of things. I guess we excel at things like being the bouncer at a Roman fort or nowdays maybe if us dogs could get our own football league I can be a linebacker or maybe just an offensive or defensive lineman?

So I plead not guilty by reason of …………’um.it’s what I am meant to do. A little voice in my head says, “Kill the Bear, kill it, kill it now.” I guess a PR firm like in Mad Men or maybe say a defense lawyer or a politician would put a positive spin on it and say, “I released the white flufy stuffing trapped inside the bear, so it could be free, and so the bear was no longer encumbered by the weight of his insides.”

 

I know it looks like carnage and probably like an earlier picture of one of his family…….

I am thinking this may start to look bad for me, “Do I need a lawyer?”

Life Lesson: You are who you are, be proud and unapologetic, be happy, (unless you are a teddy bear living with a mastiff….then RUN!)